Setting Boundaries: What They Are, How to Set Them and Why You Need To

When we talk about boundaries in the agricultural sector, we are often talking about literal boundaries, as in fence or property lines. But did you know that boundaries can also mean talking about, employing and sharing your limits with the people around you to keep you physically and emotionally safe? If doing that sounds entirely uncomfortable and not at all worth your time (here’s looking at you, People Pleasers), that’s understandable. Setting boundaries is hard! But have you ever wondered why?

Read on to discover what boundaries are, why they’re important (especially with the holidays right around the corner), and how to implement them. It’s not as uncomfortable as it sounds.

And Just What the Heck are Boundaries Anyhow?

When you decide to start setting boundaries with the people in your life, many will try to convince you you’re being selfish; that saying NO to them makes you a terrible person, or some other reaction meant to shame and guilt-trip you into backtracking and falling into your old habit of saying YES all. The. Time.

Spoiler alert: boundaries are not, in fact, selfish. They don’t really have anything to do with other people at all, actually. Personal boundaries are meant to keep what’s inside of you–feelings, beliefs, confidence, needs, etc.—safe and protected. They help you to show up authentically in your relationships because you feel like you can, that the risk of being hurt by someone else is pretty low, and that you deserve to have those boundaries respected.

Having boundaries is not about being mean, selfish or unreasonable. They’re about respecting yourself enough to recognize where your personal limits exist and then asking for people around you to respect those limits.

Boundaries: The Hardest Thing

Setting boundaries can feel really uncomfortable and hard. This is especially true if you have never set them before, or if you’ve tried to set them but haven’t been able to uphold them for whatever reason. The discomfort of saying no to someone, especially someone you care about, is icky enough to make us avoid it altogether. What happens then? Welcome to People-Pleasing 101.At the most basic level, people-pleasing behaviours are happening when you say yes to people, requests, events, etc., that you would really rather say no to.

As children, many of us were not taught how to set boundaries because the people who raised us didn’t know how to do it, either. For example, as a child, if you ever refused to eat a food you hated or to clean your dinner plate of food entirely, you may have had parents or caregivers who shamed you for that. They may have said something like, “You’re not leaving this table until you clean your plate.” And then maybe you were made to sit at the table by yourself for hours with four bites worth of boiled brussels sprouts getting even more mushy and gross on the plate in front of you (no disrespect to brussels sprouts, but boiled ones are not it). What did this scenario teach you? Namely, that asking to have your boundary respected (“I really don’t like boiled brussels sprouts, so I’d rather not eat them.”) was bad and resulted in you having to gag down cold brussels sprouts at a time when you should have been in bed already. The next time you have boiled brussels sprouts, instead of asking not to eat them, you force them down to avoid the awful scenario above, compromising your boundary and telling your parent or caregiver that it’s okay to do so.

Staying Safe = Setting Boundaries

When you think about saying no to people you’ve never said no to or who make it clear you cannot say no to them or else, it might seem entirely counterintuitive to start doing so. That makes sense: to stay safe, just say yes. To everything. All the time. Great, problem solved.

Except not really.

Remember, boundaries are to protect YOU and often don’t have anything to do with other people at all. But the more important thing to remember is that you are worth the protection, safety and compassion that comes with helping those around you learn that you will and will not tolerate, accept or do. Oftentimes, the things that feel the hardest in our lives are the most worth doing and have the biggest impact. This is very true for setting boundaries.

But…How? How do I set Boundaries?

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be complicated or involve making big, sweeping changes in your life and the relationships in it (although it absolutely can be that, and that’s cool). Here are some things to keep in mind when setting boundaries is very new and very scary for you:

1. Start small. If it really bothers you when your partner leaves their barn boots in the middle of the mudroom floor after they’ve come in from chores so you have to walk around them orput them on the boot tray yourself, you can say something like, “I need you to put your boots away so the floor can stay clean and the kids and I don’t trip over them later. Thanks!” And keep saying it until they catch on. It seems small, but the impact is big.

2. Stay rooted in your reasoning. Some people are not going to like this new boundary-setting thing you’re doing. They’re going to push back, believing if they push long and hard enough, you’ll relinquish your boundaries. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and even a bit guilty because this is new for you, too! In fact, say that to them: “This is new for me, too, but it’s what I need right now and it would mean a lot to me if you could honour this.” You’re setting boundaries to keep yourself safe; you’re doing this for you and you’re allowed to do so. Remember that.

3. Use the Yes-And technique when responding to push-back. The holidays are coming up and your extended family expects you to be at their annual holiday dinner promptly at 5 PM… which happens to be the exact time you start chores in the evening. You tell them you’re not available to arrive by then, and they get cranky. You can relay this doesn’t work for you while still acknowledging that your boundary makes them feel a type of way by using yes-and: “Yes, I recognize everyone else will be there and ready to eat at 5, and I’m still going to arrive after I’ve finished chores.” Yes-And keeps your boundary in place while bouncing the proverbial ball back into their court to do with it what they will.

4. Let people live. This may seem a bit counterintuitive, but part of setting healthy boundaries involves letting the people in your life live their own lives and feel the way they feel. This is true even when we disagree with someone (about oh, let’s see, politics? Religion? Money?). It’s actually none of your business how they choose to live their lives, just as it’s none of their business how you choose to live yours. Can your life choices affect the people around you and vice versa? Absolutely. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to tell you who you can or can’t be, what to think or how to live your life. The same is true for you. So when you find yourself at an impasse with someone, it’s okay to get curious about why there doesn’t seem to be common ground between you, and what that might mean for your relationship going forward.

True, strong boundaries allow you to live your life while also appreciating the people around you, even when you don’t see eye to eye. Boundaries make it possible for you to protect your sense of inner peace without needing other people to fit your expectations and to love them without needing them to change. Again, boundaries are about you, not the other person. After all, we’re not talking fence lines here.

Jess Campbell, BA, MACP, RP(Qualifying)

Jess Campbell is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) and owner of Fresh Air Counseling Inc. Her clients are farmers, first responders and people working in agriculture who struggle with things like trauma, addiction, relationship issues, PTSD, anxiety and depression. When she’s not in session with clients, Jess works on her dairy and grain operation in Southwestern Ontario alongside her incredible partner, Andrew, amazing and supportive in-laws, two awesome tweens who are obsessed with horses and hockey, and a Siberian Husky-German Pointer cross named Lila who talks entirely too much.

Email Jess directly at freshaircounselling.ca@gmail.com 
Learn more and reach out to Jess via Psychology Today.

Read More